STORY-LISTENING: Event is about listening, not telling. We accept stories as told. We want to:

LISTEN: Focus on storyteller, not your story or response. Say “tell me more” or ask for clarification.

EMPATHIZE: Seek to understand their experience, thoughts and emotions. As different from ours.

ENCOURAGE: “Give courage” focused on their words and needs. Not what we think they should do or feel.

RESPECT: People do the best they can. Honor their experiences, thoughts and feelings. No fixing or unsolicited advise. Share speaking time evenly. Be kind.

INTEGRITY: Be true to your best self. Be honest. Be real with your thoughts and feelings. Respectfully.

HUMILITY: God creates us no better or less than others. Elevating self or putting others down shows one’s insecurities. Putting oneself down is arrogant false humility.

CONFIDENTIAL: Commit to keep stories and conversation confidential.

PRIVACY: Do not share private stuff you or others don’t want in public.

BE PRESENT: Eliminate distractions.

ARRIVE ON TIME: A late arrival misses shared experiences and interrupts stories.

BE PATIENT WITH SELF AND OTHERS: We’re all growing and learning to be better in relationships.

VALIDATE FEELINGS: Feelings aren’t right or wrong. If others feel guilty, embarrassed, hopeless, etc., you may feel bad. Accept the feelings. Don’t try to change others to fix your discomfort.

Feelings never change if told to feel differently. I.e. if someone feels hopeless, sit with them validating their feelings. They may begin feeling hopeful due to your presence/validation.

MY FEELINGS ARE DIFFERENT: Listening to a story, we feel our past experiences. “I know how you feel” isn’t true. We only know how we feel.

Silently acknowledge your feelings and experiences and put them aside to empathize. Then we may understand their unique feelings and experience. 

Our feelings can help us guess how storyteller may feel. “Were you angry?” “That must feel awful.” They’ll agree or correct you. 

SIMILAR EXPERIENCES: Don’t put your experience into their story and steal the focus. I may tell a bit of my experience: briefly mention it and focus back on them. “When my ex left, I felt sad and relieved. Sounds like you have mixed feelings.”

Or use my experience as info, without telling my story: “Sounds like you have mixed feelings, maybe sad and relieved?”

DESCRIBE ACTIONS: Avoid negative labels of others and yourself.

LET THERE BE SILENCE: If someone pauses to think or feel, silently be present.

Not sure what to say? Say nothing.

RELAX: This page has lots of ideas to help us connect. But no pressure. Just do your best listening, empathizing and encouraging.

Welcome to an informal time where friends listen and accept each other. With a good dose of food and laughter, of course.