Respecting My Toddler Who Says He’s Not My Son

Anger surges within.

This is mama bear anger, stoked by fears for his safety. And made worse by feelings  of parental failure.

“Danny! This is dangerous! How’d you get here? Didn’t I teach you to let mummy know before going out?” she shouts.

In her mind.

In this critical parenting moment, Donna faces a relationship choice.

She cannot imagine the life-changing consequences riding on her inner struggle.

Donna sucks in a quick panicked breath. She musters every bit of self-control in a long slow exhale.

Words choke in her throat before spewing a cutting phrase upon her vulnerable son’s ears.

Another breath.

Then one more quiets her inner worry.

Protective fears ease. Failure feelings subside. Anger decreases.

Vision increases.

Look at him. He is utterly adorable.

Little Danny is dressed to impress. Like his Dad.

Big brown eyes peek from under a large blue beret. His father wore this hat in Cairo on a United Nations military tour.

The child’s serious slight grin is clearly visible. But everything from chin down hides under Dad’s giant black coat.

She faces the parenting paradox. Does she scold in anger? Laugh ’til tears? Or both?

Danny is all serious business. In a 3 1/2 year-old way.

He’s surprisingly cute.

Donna also confronts the daily parenting dilemma:

React emotionally by talking? Or respond curiously by listening?

Protective parental instincts surge in her veins. She needs to teach a safety lesson.

Instead, Donna’s curiosity takes over. Maybe this isn’t the best teaching moment.

Ironically, this will be a learning moment for Mom. But she doesn’t know it. Yet.

Donna adopts an emotional middle ground between worried anger and hysterical laughter.

Mom breathes in, forcing air deep into her lungs. Then she exhales deliberate calm.

She’s ready to listen.

 “Danny? What are you doing?”

Donna’s forced calm curiosity hides her inner wrestling match of the past 7 seconds.

In her silence, Danny finds his most mature voice.

“I not Danny!”

Donna’s eyes widen in surprised curiosity.

“I Guy. And I come-a-visit.”

She looks her little one over.

Dressed up.

Serious attitude.

Altogether adorable.

Donna responds by meeting her son where he is.

Bending down to look below the brim of her husband’s hat, she looks into sparkling eyes. Smiling, she welcomes her new visitor.

“Please come in, sir.”

The little face sandwiched between hat and coat grins in return. Hidden legs propel the coat as if a robot mysteriously gliding across the floor.

“Let’s sit in the living room, sir. Would you like some tea?”

“Yes, please,” Guy continues in the oldest toddler voice he can find within.

Climbing onto the large light-brown couch, he perches on the edge. His self-satisfied grin makes him king of the couch.

Small hands wait together on his lap while short legs occasionally swing.

Donna turns away before he sees her giggle.

“What happened to my baby?” Mom whispers, walking toward the kitchen.

Fresh salad aromas waft through the air as she hurries past the coffee maker. The appliance is useless in this special moment.

She grabs two small plastic glasses embossed with race cars. Entirely too curious to learn about her visitor, she forgets napkins.

Donna returns to the sun-lit living room as he smiles. She’s surprised how old this toddler Guy looks.

Mom carefully navigates her fuzzy blue slippers among his car-filled roads and crowded barnyard. She hands the little man freshly-brewed Baby Tea.

Then Donna sits on the edge of a dark blue chair opposite her son. She leans forward, hands on her knees like Danny.

A new type of respect for her toddler is brewing.

“So, Guy, how’d you get here?” she inquires with a particularly friendly adult tone.

He sips tea and sits up straight.

“I drove my car.”

“Oh, of course. You love cars.”

She smiles at the memory of his first word as a baby. He learned “Yahoo!” from car-jumping scenes in the Dukes of Hazard TV show.

“From where did you drive your car?” she encourages him to continue.

“The elevator. I work there every day. Other people, too. We have lots of corn.”

“Yes, I see. You are a hard-working man.”

His smile broadens as he swings his legs twice.

Donna smiles at herself.

She notices her new way of speaking with a small stranger who looks a lot like her adventurous son.

“So Guy, do you have a family?”

“Oh, yes. I have two kids. A boy. And a girl. They’re at home. ‘Cause I’m working.”

“Well, Sir, I also have two children in my home.”

“I know,” he smiles, shaking his head.

“Where do you live, Guy?”

“In Chilliwack, British Columbia.”

“That’s where I live.”

Pictures of cars in an open book on the floor distract his attention. It’s his favorite.

Suddenly, Danny looks up to nod in agreement. “I know.” His gigantic hat tips forward covering his eyes.

Mom smiles, lips pressed together. Deep within, laughter tries to erupt into the room. But she keeps quiet to learn from her little boy.

This is fun.

Donna listens with curiosity to this little stranger for about 15 minutes. They talk about cars and many forgettable topics.

Decades later, Donna will not recall all the subjects she listened to. Yet the picture of her grown-up toddler conversing on the couch is eternally imprinted in her memory.

And her heart.

An hour later, dad’s big beret rests on the couch’s right arm.

The large coat lay carefully beside it with grey porch dirt tracing the bottom hem.

Danny sits on the floor next to the barn. Roads of cars stretch in all directions. He attempts to introduce a big green dinosaur to surprised plastic farm animals.

Mom is back in the kitchen cubing cheddar into the salad. She refills her favorite coffee mug and takes a long breath of sweet hazelnut.

Elton John interrupts her thoughts through the radio speaker.

“Daniel is traveling tonight on a plane
I can see the red tail lights 
heading for Spain…”

Donna blinks and quickly exhales into a smile. Her head moves side-to-side in amazement at this morning’s strange events.

“They say Spain is pretty 
though I’ve never been…“

Peering into the living room, she sees Danny’s short blond hair. It contrasts with his mom’s dark hair. Donna pauses and sips her coffee in a memory trance.

“Well, Daniel says it’s the best place 
that he’s ever seen
Oh, and he should know, 
he’s been there enough…”

Her son is the same little boy who listens to her read stories under his soft Superman blanket each night.

He’s the same little boy who enjoys breakfast Cheerios and milk dripping down his chin with Dad.

He’s the same little boy with a voracious appetite for learning who is always moving on to new discoveries.

But now he seems different. Older somehow. A little man—of sorts.

Elton John still croons against his signature piano chords…

“Lord I miss Daniel 
oh, I miss him so much…”

Donna doesn’t know how the next 16 years will fly by faster than an airplane at 10,000 meters. It won’t be long before her young adult son will wave goodbye to his watery-eyed mother.

“Oh, and I can see Daniel waving goodbye
God it looks like Daniel 
must be the clouds in my eyes” 

Stepping forward to lean on the dark wood door frame, she swallows.

Watching her son play farm, Donna recalls her unconventional conversation with “Guy.” She listened more deeply than usual to her miniature guest. Donna is surprised at her higher level of respect for him.

Respecting her toddler like an older person feels odd.

Donna begins a mind shift in her relationship with Danny. Her parenting identity is changing.

Mom walks toward her son, reaching down to move his book safely out of the way. She sinks into the couch where her little man sat not long ago.

“Hi, Mommy.”

Her now slowly-beating heart enjoys that word.

Danny briefly looks up with a smile. Mom wonders what else she’ll learn from her son.

“Hi Danny. What are you doing?“

He looks down at the animals in his hands as if just noticing what they’re doing.

“Piggy and cow are scared of dinosaur. Dino come-a-visit. He wants a friend.”

“Oh my, Danny. Relationships are hard if they’re scared. What are you going to do?”

“I’m gonna give them tea so they talk and become friends.”

“That’s my boy,” she encourages. “You have the best ideas.”

He is mom’s same little son as yesterday. Their relationship is the same as before.

But something changed today.

In mom.

START HERE

That afternoon, Danny naps.

He’s worn out from his morning appointments. Donna’s little man sleeps protected by Superman and a Mama Bear with a new outlook.

In the kitchen, she tells Guy’s story to today’s second visitor.

Donna and her friend Kelly sit at the sun-lit table. The radio still plays quietly on the counter.

Finally, an opportunity to laugh until tears flow.

“Donna, that’s the best story ever! He’s so adorable. I can see you two sitting there talking.”

Between crunchy bites of delicious salad, Donna shares her new insights.

“He always keeps me on my toes, that one. He’s my son and I know him well. Yet, he shows up at the door as Guy!

“It’s like he introduces me to who he REALLY is. He’s not just my son. This little guy is a unique person in his own right!”

“Donna, I’m glad you invited him in. I might be too mad about him sneaking outside to go along with his play.”

“Yes, Kelly. It’s scary he snuck out. But seeing him so cute in his dad’s hat and coat, I didn’t know to be mad or laugh.

“I’m usually all parent, saying, ‘Danny do this.’ ‘Danny do that.’ Typical mom teaches son stuff.”

“Me, too, Donna. Oh, I brought you  homemade chocolate chip cookies.”

The warm cookie tantalizes Donna’s taste buds as she looks toward the living room.

“You know what listening to him taught me today? A whole new way of respecting my toddler.” Donna gazes toward the vacant toy-filled living room.

“I see him differently.

“He’s not just my son. He’s his own person deserving respect the same as I respect you.”

This day causes Donna to go through a parenting mind shift.

As Danny and his younger sister grow up, Mom consciously listens to learn who they are. She is increasingly curious. Along with being mom-teacher, she is mom-learner in relationship with her children.

From now on, instead of seeing Danny as her little guy, she will treat him as the unique Guy he is.

INSPIRE SOMEONE TODAY: SHARE DONNA’S STORY

Please give some love to help others find Donna’s story.