Ghosted By The Perfect Guy in New York City

She’s intentional about her future—especially relationships. Looking around, she takes stock of young men her age.

Sam always shows up late. Mike prioritizes the bar. Frank goes from one woman to the next. Lee insults, covering his insecurities.

Adam changes jobs like the seasons. Barry hates the women he loves. Hank won’t look her in the eyes.

“I’m not settling for just any guy. I deserve better,” concludes Isabel. She broadens her search.

Soon it’s obvious older guys check the boxes on her Preferred Date List. Dependable. Stable. Accountable. Confident. Caring. And above all, grown up!

Isabel sets her hopes on these  guys—searching for one with everything she wants.

Someone like…Matt.

Their first date is magical.

Isabel and Matt spend the day at The MET—New York City’s Metropolitan Museum of Art. They enjoy unique sculptures and investigate ancient artifacts. They gaze at famous paintings and sneak gazes into each other’s eyes.

Their shared passion for art draws them together. They talk for hours about everything. Likes and dislikes. Favorite foods and TV shows. Places they’ve been and dream about going. Past history and future plans.

Matt is good looking—in a Paul Newman sort of way. See them laughing and leaning into each other exiting the museum. Watch them walking hand-in-hand down 5th Avenue. Notice their smiles in a quaint corner cafe window.

These two look great together.

Their similar interests send them to more art exhibits. They attend loud rocking concerts and talk with their eyes. Other days, they walk through the park soaking up the warm sun.

Evenings find them dancing in clubs or under street lights. Movies with buttered popcorn, Cokes and kisses add to the fun.

Days pass quickly into weeks. Then months. Their relationship blooms into a museum-grade work of art.

“Trust me, Mom,” Isabel admits in her weekly call. “We are amazing together.”

“So you think this guy is the one for you, Isabel?”

“Remember how I figured out what I want in a relationship? He checks off all the boxes on my Preferred Date List.”

“You sound happy. You’re in love.”

“To be honest, Mom, life seems perfect. I hope nothing messes this up.”

She inhales deeply as his cologne warms her blood. The herbed citrus salmon and sweet rolls are almost as delicious as his kiss. But not quite.

In the haloed candlelight, they talk about everything important. Family and careers. Goals and plans. Things to do and places to go. The past and future.

Their words paint a picture of a future. Together.

This evening entwines their souls in an inseparable knot. The intimacy is vulnerable and life-giving.

Disappointed, Isabel needs sleep before work tomorrow. She looks into his handsome smiling face, “I feel good about us. And our future. I trust you.”

“Me too, Isabel,” he says gazing at her. Surely he sees the depth of love in her green eyes.

She waves tenderly, “I’ll see you tomorrow or Friday—whatever works for you.”

Isabel dances down the street. This relationship is amazing. Her dreams long for their future together. She looks forward to their next date. Anticipation tastes sweet awaiting his call.

Her feet skip to his last words. “I’ll call you.”

One day. Quiet.

Two days. Nothing.

Six days. Silence. Loud enough to shatter a heart.

Isabel feels hurt. Abandoned. Unloved.

She doubts herself.

“We are perfect together,” she reminds herself. “So why the silence?”

Anger envelops her with a protective shield.

Until the sound of Simon and Garfunkel whispers through her phone. These words speak too much truth and break  thru the barrier to her fragile heart.

“Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening

People writing songs
that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence.”

Salty tears trail down her cheeks. Her heart beats, trying to sync with his across the silence.

His voice echoes in her ears. Isabel has to call.

At the same time, her ears crave his voice. Her heart still connects  to his. Finally, Isabel calls.

“Hello, Kathy?” he answers.

Stunned, she stammers, “This is Isabel.”

“Oh, I thought you were Kathy,” he adds dismissively.

Shaking off the shock, “What happened? You said you’d call. I haven’t heard from you in a week!”

“Oh, sorry Isabel. I lost my phone contacts. I couldn’t get in touch with you.”

“Yeah, right,” Isabel dismisses his juvenile excuse. “I trusted you!” She doesn’t believe a word from this voice she longs to hear.

It’s obvious where this relationship is going.

Nowhere.

Her hopes and dreams crash on the rocks of his indifference. Embarrassment, grief and shame boil within.

Really? Ghosted by the perfect guy? Isabel lives in shock for days. She numbs herself from the truth’s emotional ferocity.

She loves him. Certainly he must love her—he never said otherwise. Maybe he’s scared. Surely he will call.

Is the relationship on pause? Is it over? Did he momentarily go crazy? Does he need some space?

Surely he will come around. He’s the perfect guy. She knows this.

Days pass like snails inching toward nowhere. His silence is deafening.

No “I don’t like this about you.”
No “This isn’t working.”
No “I need space.”
No “Goodbye.”
No closure.

Nothing.

Friends give Isabel advice. “Forget Matt,” instructs Susan.

Becky observes, “He’s not worth it.”

“You can do soooooo much better,” encourages Katrina.

Well meaning as Isabel’s friends try to be, none are helpful. Her love doesn’t have an emergency shut-off switch to cut her heart’s pulsating power.

Isabel looks through her apartment window into the city street. Her future dreams with him are more vivid than ever.

She sees the sun bathing a fruit bowl in their new breakfast nook. The morning coffee’s aroma fills her head as they smile at each other. Their future is as sweet as the warm cinnamon rolls they share.

Her head says one thing while her heart says another. And each changes by the hour. Which can she trust?

Isabel can’t forget the man she so intentionally chose. The one she trusts.

No, trusted.

In his silence, her life wavers between
hope and disappointment,
longing and resignation,
possibilities and questions.

Isabel replays situations and rehearses conversations. It’s difficult to concentrate on work—or life—with the loud questions.

“What did I do?
Or not do?
What did I say?
Or not say?
Or say wrong?
What did I….?”

Isabel must be responsible for this tragedy. If she can figure how she’s to blame, it’ll make sense of this painful mess. If she finds how this is her fault, she might be able to change it.

Then he’ll come back.

But no good answers to self-blame questions can be found. Isabel moves on to “what if’s.”

“What if I had said…?
What if I had done…?
What if I hadn’t…?”

But answers to “what if” questions are hard to find. And none satisfy.

She reviews every date and conversation. No disagreements. No fights. No negative anything. The relationship is better and conversations are deeper all the time.

Until now.

Since her “self-blame” and “what if” games are impossible to win, Isabel stops looking at her actions.

As dark clouds hover low, she looks inward—putting her self-esteem on the line.

Isabel wakes each morning feeling a void in the center of her life. Painful emptiness stretches from heart to soul—piercing her once robust self-esteem.

A confident exterior usually covers her young-adult insecurities. But self-doubt surfaces after his prolonged silence rings the death-bell of their relationship.

“You’d think an older guy would appreciate dating a younger woman!” Isabel yells into the foggy bathroom mirror. Her green eyes flash with anger. And tears.

“Yet, suddenly—and for no reason—the guy ghosts you. Total silence,” she points at the image in the mirror.

“What does his silence say about you, Isabel?”

There’s no answer.

Negative thoughts stream through her mind like never-ending words below the TV news.

“I’m not date-able.”
“I’m not smart enough.”
“I can’t trust myself choosing guys.”
“I’m not lovable.”

With each negative thought, Isabel’s self-esteem ratchets down a notch.

While she doesn’t trust him anymore, she trusts her relationship abilities even less. She becomes cynical about her prospects. To keep from repeating painful mistakes, Isabel will avoid relationships for several years.

“I’ll never find a guy to love me. Or one I can trust,” she often tells herself.

For years.

“Something’s wrong with me.”

“I thought he was the perfect guy. We were perfect together. I planned to be together forever.

“Maybe not.”

She often inquires about him from a mutual friend. “What is he doing? What is he saying? What is he thinking? Why did he dump me?”

Isabel no longer wants to get back together. She’s hurt and appalled anyone would treat another with such cruelty.

Her questions try to make sense of his bizarre hurtful behavior. “Why does a person ghost another—especially in such a perfect relationship?”

For a person of integrity like Isabel, this mystery will never be adequately answered.

Her heart starts to accept a new idea: the relationship might be over. Her mind stops picturing them together. Isabel gradually lets go of her love for him. And her hopes for their relationship.

Floodgates open.

Grief pours out with rivers of hurt and anger. Plus a few confusing drops of relief.

Isabel begins to realize she is not responsible for the breakup. His cruel ghosting is his fault. Completely!

The problem is him! And there’s no reason why.

She stops looking for explanations.

“What if?” “What’s wrong with me?” and “Why did he do it?” questions only give unhelpful answers.

Healing her heart takes time. With distance from the relationship, Isabel gains clarity. Gone are love’s natural blinders which help begin a relationship.

One day, while nibbling on a chocolate chip cookie, her “falling in love blinders” are gone. She finally wonders what really happened.

Reality—clear only in hindsight—edges out her idealized picture of them. Red flags about him begin to appear from the fog of falling in love.

• She remembers him talking about himself, but rarely asking about Isabel.
• She remembers traveling to him, while he rarely goes out of his way to meet her.
• She remembers him saying, “If you want to be a model, you need to get more toned up.” An insult in fake “caring about you” clothes.
• She remembers hearing, “I’ll pick you up, Isabel,” then waiting five unexplained hours. He resists being a mature gentleman.
• She remembers his constant talk of his mother, whom he calls daily. His failure to launch into independent adulthood prevents being available.
• She remembers assuming they have the same forward-looking goals. Now she sees he’s been stagnant for decades.

They’ve been waving within her, demanding attention from the relationship’s beginning. As usual, the magic of falling in love overpowers critical thinking.

Isabel changes the story she tells herself. This relationship is not perfect. His good traits no longer mask selfish flaws.

Cowardly ghosting shows his true character. But his abrupt silence says nothing about her. His selfishness and insecurities prevent honesty. Or breaking up like a man.

If she had seen reality, she would have dropped him long ago. Not ghosted him—which nobody deserves—but broken up face-to-face like an adult.

Finally, her mental shift is complete. It’s too late for this relationship. But it’s not too late for Isabel.

She moves on.

Isabel begins trusting herself again.

She meets a man with maturity and sensitivity. T. fits her checklist. Except for the “older” category.

They’re about the same age.

She trusts the red flags within, taking them seriously and addressing them with him early. There aren’t many.

This new relationship isn’t perfect. But it’s real. And life-giving.

Eventually, Isabel and T. marry. They have children and start a business together.

As for her old boyfriend, Isabel forgives him. She gives up her hope for a better past, lets go of bitterness and moves on.

Sometimes, Isabel imagines meeting her old boyfriend:

What if she goes to his business looking gorgeous and happy with her husband?

What if he sees her on the street with her delightful kids?

What if they meet at a business gathering and he sees her success?

If they do meet, she won’t say much. Showing him what he cruelly threw away is enough.

Her best revenge for the pain he caused is moving on and living a terrific life.

Isabel has an imperfect marriage with an imperfect husband. She’s imperfect, as are her kids. But they work it out together. Every day.

You could say Isabel’s life is finally what she dreamed. But that’s another story.

One worth living.

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